Rose tinted spectacles

I have been thinkin on what my first post could be. A friend was helping me out on this yesterday. Dont wanna write for the sake of writting. So I thaught whenever something comes to me; I’ll write. And so it did. Yesterday.

I thaught It would be appropiate for me to start my first post with someone special. A post for someone I love intensely.

I was driving yesterday evening. Before I was driving, I came home to home – mom. I said I gotta rush, need to go to ma sisters and so I can come back early. She was smiling and said that she was thinking this morning (I called her from work to ask her how you figure out an underpend from something) that I will remember her a lot if she was not here. She was half-laughing when she said this. It must have not registered at that second when I rushed to kiss her and close the door behind me that my brain caught up to what she had just said. I almost cry and then suddenly my eyes roll back the water in fast motion.

I got in and drove off and as I was driving her words echoed as I was passing houses, trees, cars, voices, memories, dreams. I was driving through my life thinking if I lost her ……If I …….
My mom is not very healthy and has heart and breathing problems – alhamdulliah – becasue through any pain our Maker washes some of our sins.

I spent most of my life with my mom as she would not allow me to have friends till I really finished university save one girl I knew from High School. As the eldest, it can be a very lonely experience, to set an example for the rest has meant sacrifices. And with maturing a little early than some, your perspective and aspirations of life slowly becomes alligned with that of your mothers’, somewhat distancing you from the current.

Funny how I often visualize what it would be like to be without her, like a pagan witch seeing clearly into the unknown. It is a regular thing for me. Maybe becasue it is a mercy for what is to come. Preparing me for the mind shock, body shock. Or maybe its because I simly love her too much.
I often see this numbing experience; numbing because losing her surpasses anything to do with pure heart break. I know that when she goes, she takes me with her.

And so I end with a prayer to my Maker, the Most Beautiful, the Most forgiving, to increase my love for Him over and above that of my mothers’ if it is not already so. He knows best the mysteries of the human condition. This way I get to survive with out her and celebrate our closeness. Not lost, without despairing, but hoping for her to be where she came from and belong. Heaven.

Come to think of it now, frankly she can take me anywhere she is

From Daughter, With Love.